Papal Pandemonium: Semifinal #1

Introducing: The Papal Pedant

For the semifinals, I’m excited to welcome commentary from my favorite pundit: Eugene Finerman.

Eugene won five games in 1987, finishing third in his TOC to Bob Verini. He then handed Frank Spangenberg his first-ever loss (on Super Jeopardy!), and was a “fan favorite” candidate in The Battle of the Decades.

Eugene knows an absurd amount of historical facts, and isn’t afraid to share them. (I believe the Editorial desk at The New York Times is sick of getting “correction” emails from him.) His anecdotes – christened as those of The Papal Pedant – are highlighted in the green boxes below.

When he’s not lecturing wayward journalists on the finer points of the medieval mendicant orders of monks, he is a mercenary freelance writer at FinermanWorks. Check out his website and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

The Papal Pedant says:

Cornelius? Now there is a suspicious name. In the third century, a Pope Cornelius would be the equivalent of Pope Astor or Dupont. Cornelius was the name of a patrician family, and in the 3rd century the Papacy was no job for an aristocrat.

The Romans may have had no morals but they did have etiquette. You could not call yourself a Cornelius if you were not a member of the family. Even if Cornelius were the consequence of an indiscretion with a maid, he still would not have been allowed the noble nomenclature. So Cornelius might have been martyred for his breach of decorum rather than his Christianity.

The Papal Pedant says:

The Church really cannot decide whether or not Linus was martyred. There is no evidence of that; at the time (67-73) Rome was much more interested in oppressing the other monotheistic group. And Linus was conspicuously not a member of it. (He was the second Pope but the first foreskin.) Yet, it seems rather insulting to think that Linus did not merit a martyrdom. So, the Church has conferred an honorary one on him.

The Papal Pedant says:

Twelve have been named Pius; only three apparently were – at least to qualify as saints. (The second Pius had children and wrote pornography, so you can see how his canonization process might be slow.)

Pius V is a saint, however. During his reign (1566-1572), the former inquisitor gave Spain permission to wipe out the Dutch Protestants. (Without the Pope’s permission, the Dutch did defend themselves.) But the Pope did not like the idea of hurting animals and forbid bullfighting. This was one Papal directive that Spain ignored.

In 1712, Pius V was declared a saint. PETA might agree even if Protestants don’t.

The Papal Pedant says:

By the fifth century, the Papacy finally was a safe job. The Church Councils could give you an ulcer, and it was impossible to keep track of all the theories about the Trinity; but it still was a good job.

By contrast, the position of Emperor had never been safe and now was not prestigious. The emperors were figureheads of their military commanders, most of whom were German mercenaries. This remnant empire was ruled from Ravenna. At least the Adriatic port was defensible; Rome had been sacked too often.

In the first eight years of Simplicius’s reign, there had been six emperors – an assortment of ciphers. One was executed, two actually died of natural causes, and the other three were simply ousted. In 476, the German mercenaries finally decided to rule Italy for themselves. For the next sixty years they did a good job, better than any Italian government has since. They respected the Pope, and he was prudent enough to return the compliment.